Lately I’ve been giving a lot of thought to coming out (to use an outdated term that while outdated seems to most concisely encompass what we are talking about), It is something that has gone out of fashion of late either because people feel like you shouldn’t have to in this day and age (after all, straight people don’t have to make pronouncements about their sexuality) or because they feel that coming out is personal and doesn’t need to be that public. In other words, just be and act like yourself without having to have a big conversation or make some kind of announcement. If people have questions, they’ll ask and if they don’t, all the better, we can all just get on with our lives. Occasionally it comes up when a celebrity is “outed,” although these days there isn’t much of that going on. A few weeks ago, Queen Latifah was “outed” or at least that’s how it was portrayed. This wasn’t the first time the very talented Dana Owens has been linked with the L word. In August of 2011 images of her in fairly intimate poses with another woman were captured and posted to the internet and even before that rumors always seemed to hover around the Queen. She has denied all such rumors sometimes with vigorous vehemence. The inspiration for the latest “she’s gay!” moment was the announcement that Queen Latifah would be on hand for New York’s Gay Pride Parade. Given her very vocal denials about being gay, this seemed a sure sign that the Queen was ready to admit what we’ve known all along (or so we think). On its face, however, it is not. While she denies being gay herself, I do not know of any instances of the Queen expressing overtly anti-gay beliefs. Plenty of people attend Gay Pride parades including gay allies and thus her attendance at a gay event is hardly a validation of our suspicions that the Queen does indeed play for our side. The only thing we can infer for certain is that she is a gay ally, which frankly isn’t much of a revelation or “aha” moment.
The incident got me thinking about coming out and the complexities involved in outing someone else or pressuring them to do so. Despite the fact that it was the very public outing or attempts to out Queen Latifah that got me thinking about this, I am most concerned with non-celebrities and their process.
On the one hand, no one should ever be pressured to come out. That is a highly personal decision and should remain personal. In addition, it's not easy to do. It’s not something that one can share in a blast email or in a Facebook status update (well you could, but I fear the results of that method). People's individual relationships are varied and complex and so the process of telling someone something highly personal that in effect will change how they think about you (at least at the onset) is also a complex web. There is no one way to tell everyone. Some people will require a long sit down chat, others you can mention it in passing without much fanfare. Regardless of the complexity, of the how, when and where, the decision to "come out" is individual and completely coming out in all aspects of your life takes time (and coming out in all areas might not even be possible). That is a valid thing to me and so I never want to pressure individuals to do something they are not comfortable doing. You should tell the people you want to tell, when you want to tell them, and in whatever way you see as appropriate.
On the other hand, if you're in a relationship, it complicates matters because a relationship involves two people and so your decisions about telling (or not telling) people automatically affects the person you are with as well. It is unavoidable and therein lies the problem. For me, when two people agree to share a life there shouldn't be conditions as to what that entails. (You can share these parts, but not these.) I don't mean to suggest that they become one person and should think alike and do everything together, but there are some decisions that will necessary impact both parties and this is one of them. I'll try to explain using a fictional couple. I’ll call them Joe and Jed. Joe and Jed are in a long term relationship. They own property, take all their vacations together and generally share a life in the way a married couple shares a life. They have a close knit group of friends they are out too. Jed is completely out. Everyone, family, friends, work colleagues even some strangers on the street know he’s gay. Joe is out to all of their mutual friends and his co-workers, but is not out to his family back East or any friends he had before meeting Jed. He refuses to come out to his family primarily out of fear of the reaction he would get from his father and brother. Joe's refusal to come out to his family in effect means that he is hiding a central part of his life from his family. That is his prerogative and will remain his prerogative. However, because he is also engaged in a relationship that means that he not only has to hide Jed from his family or lie about him, but that Jed has to participate in that lie as well. It's not Jed's choice and while he can still choose to not be closeted about himself (i.e. he can refuse to deny that he is gay) in order to respect his partner he does have to lie about the relationship, even if it's just a lie of omission. He can't do otherwise because it is not his thing to tell. In short, we have a situation where Jed is completely out and Joe is not. When they get together, Joe, by his actions, forces Jed back in the closet somewhat. It's in a limited way (only when he's around Joe's family which given the situation is not often), but it is still something Jed is being forced to do because of the decision of his partner. The whole point of that example is that the decision of one person to not come out can and does impact the partner. It’s a real dilemma. You want to respect that the decision to come out (to anyone) is deeply personal and should be made by the person doing the coming out and no one else (in this case Joe), but it’s also unfair to force Jed to deny a part of his life.
On the other hand, if you're in a relationship, it complicates matters because a relationship involves two people and so your decisions about telling (or not telling) people automatically affects the person you are with as well. It is unavoidable and therein lies the problem. For me, when two people agree to share a life there shouldn't be conditions as to what that entails. (You can share these parts, but not these.) I don't mean to suggest that they become one person and should think alike and do everything together, but there are some decisions that will necessary impact both parties and this is one of them. I'll try to explain using a fictional couple. I’ll call them Joe and Jed. Joe and Jed are in a long term relationship. They own property, take all their vacations together and generally share a life in the way a married couple shares a life. They have a close knit group of friends they are out too. Jed is completely out. Everyone, family, friends, work colleagues even some strangers on the street know he’s gay. Joe is out to all of their mutual friends and his co-workers, but is not out to his family back East or any friends he had before meeting Jed. He refuses to come out to his family primarily out of fear of the reaction he would get from his father and brother. Joe's refusal to come out to his family in effect means that he is hiding a central part of his life from his family. That is his prerogative and will remain his prerogative. However, because he is also engaged in a relationship that means that he not only has to hide Jed from his family or lie about him, but that Jed has to participate in that lie as well. It's not Jed's choice and while he can still choose to not be closeted about himself (i.e. he can refuse to deny that he is gay) in order to respect his partner he does have to lie about the relationship, even if it's just a lie of omission. He can't do otherwise because it is not his thing to tell. In short, we have a situation where Jed is completely out and Joe is not. When they get together, Joe, by his actions, forces Jed back in the closet somewhat. It's in a limited way (only when he's around Joe's family which given the situation is not often), but it is still something Jed is being forced to do because of the decision of his partner. The whole point of that example is that the decision of one person to not come out can and does impact the partner. It’s a real dilemma. You want to respect that the decision to come out (to anyone) is deeply personal and should be made by the person doing the coming out and no one else (in this case Joe), but it’s also unfair to force Jed to deny a part of his life.
In addition to being forced (in a way) to deny who you are, not coming out and being in a relationship (especially with a person who is completely out) raises other issues. It is problematic when you are not fully acknowledged as part of your partner's life because when you are not, it calls into question the importance of the relationship. It probably shouldn't call the entire relationship into question, but in some ways it does. How can you honestly say to someone, you are the most important person in my life and yet not be able to share that with the other important people in your life? I know that is an oversimplification, but it does seem to suggest that there are other things that are more important. Maybe there are and maybe that's not wrong, but not fully acknowledging the relationship certainly does make it easier to question that relationship.
I’ve had some experience in this area and I can unequivocally state that it is not a good feeling to have to ask, "Okay, am I the girlfriend or the friend in this setting?" We should be friends as well as lovers with our partners and so I have no problems being the "friend". But it does make my gut hurt to know that in some aspects of my girlfriend’s life, I am acknowledged as less than I am or not at all. There is a difference between a girlfriend and a friend and when I am the friend, it means something different. If I'm just a friend, I have to be careful how I talk to her. I have to watch what I say and I may have to endure behavior that I wouldn't if people knew who I really was. I might have to watch her friends encourage her to flirt with random guys, something that would not happen if they knew we were a couple. That sounds overly dramatic, I know, but the point is not so much that the scenario I described will happen, rather that it is more likely to happen if I’m known as the friend and unlikely to happen at all if I was acknowledged for what I am.
I’ve had some experience in this area and I can unequivocally state that it is not a good feeling to have to ask, "Okay, am I the girlfriend or the friend in this setting?" We should be friends as well as lovers with our partners and so I have no problems being the "friend". But it does make my gut hurt to know that in some aspects of my girlfriend’s life, I am acknowledged as less than I am or not at all. There is a difference between a girlfriend and a friend and when I am the friend, it means something different. If I'm just a friend, I have to be careful how I talk to her. I have to watch what I say and I may have to endure behavior that I wouldn't if people knew who I really was. I might have to watch her friends encourage her to flirt with random guys, something that would not happen if they knew we were a couple. That sounds overly dramatic, I know, but the point is not so much that the scenario I described will happen, rather that it is more likely to happen if I’m known as the friend and unlikely to happen at all if I was acknowledged for what I am.
I know I am important to my girlfriend and I know that not telling some people has more to do with her relationships with those people than me and how she feels about me. I know that and yet, that feeling in the gut is still there. There is something to this acknowledgement thing; being acknowledged means something. My girlfriend asked me once if I had ever felt like a dirty little secret because of this. I don’t think I ever felt like a “dirty secret” in the sense that I thought she was ashamed of me. I wouldn’t be with someone who was ashamed of me (Hello, self-esteem issues?), but I have felt like a dirty secret in that it can make you feel like you are engaged in bad behavior. In other words, it wasn’t so much that I felt like she was ashamed of me, but us. If you have to hide something, it suggests there is something sinister about it at some level even if just microscopic. Our relationship is not sinister but I guess when it isn't acknowledged it makes me feel like at some level it is a dirty little secret. I try to counter those feelings by focusing on the fact that on most days, I do not feel like a dirty little secret. It only comes up occasionally and with everyday it comes up less and less the more out she is. I also try to remember that regardless of what I'm feeling, the choice is hers and hers alone and she can make whatever decision she wants without fear or guilt. Whatever she decides to do is not wrong. It's a choice relative to the person, so this is one of those rare cases where relativism applies. Whatever decision she chooses is right for her. End of story.
It's a dilemma without an answer because both positions are valid. It is completely right that an individual should decide when and in what way to tell people (or not). It is also valid for the partner to say that not being fully acknowledged doesn't feel good and leads to insecure thinking. Ultimately however one trumps the other. Feelings of insecurity based on something vague cannot stand up to an individual's right to reveal or not reveal aspects of their life. I suppose that is more fundamental than being acknowledged.
It's a dilemma without an answer because both positions are valid. It is completely right that an individual should decide when and in what way to tell people (or not). It is also valid for the partner to say that not being fully acknowledged doesn't feel good and leads to insecure thinking. Ultimately however one trumps the other. Feelings of insecurity based on something vague cannot stand up to an individual's right to reveal or not reveal aspects of their life. I suppose that is more fundamental than being acknowledged.
